@ryujin470@fedia.io !nostupidquestions@lemmy.world

I’m not autistic (AFAIK), but I’m similarly neurodivergent. To be exact, I suspect I have Geschwind syndrome, albeit undiagnosed (and given how it’s controversial among neurologists and psychiatrists, as well as how it’s not easy to detect and needs to involve expensive MRI and EEG scans, I guess I’ll simply die without ever being diagnosed).

Having said this, I have a complicated relationship with “social media”. I constantly feel the urge to express, be it through online discussion (as I’m doing now), be it through philosophical/poetic/ritualistic writing, be it through coding, be it through drawing. It’s part of the “hypergraphia” trait from the syndrome that I suspect I have.

Whenever I express or seek others’ expression around a current subject of interest, it’s often highly-abstract content: philosophical, religious/spiritual/esoteric/mystical/theological and scientific (hoping to find something that contains all three simultaneously). In that regard, it has to do with the “hyperreligiosity” and “philosophical rumination”.

However, I have a complicated relationship with the concepts such as “human”, “loneliness”, “friendship”, “intimacy” and “relationship”. Sometimes I have the urge to express while also haveing the urge to stay alone. Similarly, I get frustrated by superficial interaction: notice how my texts are long (and not just this one, my comment history across Friendica and Calckey, the remnants of my online activity, proves my verbosity), and this requires mental energy, and seeing this energy being converted into shallow exchanges across social networks can definitely frustrate. See how I mentioned “remnants” on my parenthetical break? Sometimes I catch myself nuking my own things: my comments, posts, sometimes entire profiles, out of frustration and/or resignation. I used to have whole blogs with dozens of posts, hundred posts on Mastodon, a Bluesky profile with more than 200 posts: all nuked by myself out of impulsivity.

There’s also conflict with my “current subject of interest”: similar to ADHD people, sometimes I develop an almost obsessive interest (hyperfocus) around something. Decades ago, it was programming. 5y ago, it was survivalism and Eschatology studies on the biblical Apocalypse. 2y ago, it was Luciferianism, and then Lilith until recently (months ago). It was drawing, it was writing entire ritualistic poetry and chants. 2w ago, it was intensive self-teaching Morse code and ASCII hex code and alphabetic code (A=1,B=2,…). See, I can’t rest mentally. And this always involve trying to express about it. This involves trying to participate. This involves trying to belong until I realize I don’t, until I realize I can’t, until I give up and nuke my own past efforts. So while I do post a lot in social media, it doesn’t last for long until I decide for self-destruction once again because I couldn’t get meaningful like-mindedness.

I just got a lotta shit to say.

I think my mastodon bio sums up my online existence pretty well

my old discord in a steamers server has HUNDREDS of my shitposts in there

I like to throw random thoughts out there cause I found it interesting or funny, it’s nice if it gets any engagement cause I don’t have anyone to talk about this stuff in real life

I infodump a ton. Part of that is to create conversation. I’m so alone. Another part is almost compulsion, where I feel like I have to tell someone about some dumb shit I found somewhere. Like some weird shit I found in the thrift store I volunteer at sometimes. Or some dumb meme I found on here (like a damn grandma lol). Doesn’t get a response sometimes, just because nobody cares. That sucks, but I get over it. So yeah, probably pretty common for those with ADHD, autism, or both.

I am ADHD af, not the same thing… but yes…

Info dumping in person is really NOT HELPFUL most of the time for people, but when you do it online in a well written comment than actually well nobody has to read the whole thing right then right? Somebody can skim through and pick out the parts that are useful.

Unfortunately, I am driven to info dump constantly, I don’t know if I would describe it as “filling up my imagination” though I can certainly get along with that framing of it.

I am an artist, when I see blank spaces I make a mess and see what happens, as all artists do. I think for people who have unusual minds, places like here are gardens where ideas,feelings and movements can happen that would have been repeatedly strangled by the normative demands of societal interactions in alternative, already established mediums of communication and connection.

When you have to work to fit in, when you are acutely aware of how unsustainable and incongruent society is because of how you think differently and are constantly hurt for it, that gives you a capacity to imagine entire alternative universes out of thin air that are better. You don’t need to think it out, it just starts to come out in bursts of creative and imaginative energy that refuse to be denied any longer by the status quo…