I’m a 42M, my wife is 37. We’ve got a great marriage, super happy, everything’s solid. About a year ago, we met this guy (36M) through some mutual friends, and over time he’s become really close to us. We hang out all the time, meals, weekends, trips, you name it. Lately there have been some running jokes about how we’re basically a throuple already, and those jokes have been getting a little more… not-jokey. For the record, I’m not into guys and neither is he. But honestly, the idea is kind of exciting in a weird way, and I really like having him around, he feels like a best friend at this point. My wife’s also open to it. So yeah… would it be totally nuts to actually explore this?
There’s a pretty big difference between having a friend over for meals and weekends and hanging out, and that friend railing your wife.
You’ve spoken to your wife and she’s open to it? Red flag. Giant red flag. This wouldn’t end well for you.
What you are describing is less a throuple and more just bog standard Ethical Non-Monogamy with shades of Polygamy. It would be your wife with multiple partners and you making the proverbial (sometimes literal) sandwich.
I emphasize that because there is a lot of media and societal pressure on all sides. ENM has increasingly become divided on gender lines with (cishet) men having been taught by the tates and the manosphere that it is taking THEIR women away from them and ruining THEIR women forever and so forth. Whereas women (and the lgbtq community) have almost flocked to it in a similar manner to “free love” back in the day as there is an increasing push to not actually have kids… at which point monogamous sex starts to make a lot less sense. Also it is a “good” way to justify splitting a two bedroom apartment’s rent six ways.
Whereas throuples are often romanticized. In large part because people watched/read the trainwreck that was Twilight and all came to the realization that “she got two hands…”.
At the end of the day? Every person and every relationship is different and it is really on you, your partner, and your friend to decide what works for you.
For what its worth? Some very good friends of mine are in an ENM relationship and I’ve had a relationship in the past where we also weren’t exclusive sexually. But the ground rule we, and they, use is that they have one emotional partner. Sex is fun and harmless (if you use protection). I broke up with my ex but for completely unrelated reasons and said friends are perfectly happy as far as I can tell. Emotional bonds are where things get REALLY messy. I’ve always avoided it but every couple I’ve known that tried it fell apart within a year or two. Whether that is good or bad really depends on your life experiences and where you draw the line on “save the relationship” and “live your lives”.
So, personally? If you and your partner want to try this I would suggest NOT banging the dude you clearly both already have emotional connections with. But, again, you do you.
Opening up your relationship to another is tricky - you have to have immense trust in all involved. Do you trust that this guy isn’t just trying to get your wife? Do you trust that your wife isn’t just trying to get another man in the bed or transitioning over to him? Do you trust yourself to not be jealous when he takes her to bed (or goes on a one-on-one date)? If any of these questions gave you a little twinge of sick in your gut, that means you need to explore that - is it something you can overcome with conversations and agreed limits or is it too deep?
I was in a triad and it took some work to get over my jealousy (which I had in all my previous relationships and was not healthy anyway). However, it was a really rewarding experience - I had a same-gender partner to do things with, being with two people in bed is fun, and when things went bad with one partner, I had another one to emotionally support me and help me work through it before having a conversation with the other.
However, again, you have to trust that everyone has the others’ best interests at heart because there’s definitely the potential for one to try and turn the other against you if they aren’t trustworthy.
Good luck!
You should look into polyamory/consensual non-monogamy. What your describing doesn’t have to be seen as some sort of weird perverse thing doomed to failure and return to the status quo. It is a legitimate family structure.
I’ve been in a polyamorous family for almost a decade now. Most of it was three (the sort of v shape you describe) but also with a larger (currently six) non-domestic polycule. I’m not the tip of the v but I love my metamours (word for partners’ partners) as family.
It’s viable. The trick is a gratuitous amount of candid conversation, and a dedication to the family.
With that many people, do you all share resources? Is imagine a six person polycule would be much easier financially if everyone (or at least four of you) have jobs. I’m having a hard time making ends meet with two, and I would imagine the added stability of six would drive down the cost of living. Would be a lot easier to own a large house.
To clarify, by polycule I mean the total chain of romantic relationships. Currently it’s four of us living together, and two more living together as a couple where me and my chosen family member have been dating one of them for years. For most of it, the section living together was three of us, romantically a v but more than that we think of eachother as chosen family.
It definitely helps with financial stability insofar as there’s a lot of buffer when someone is between jobs, but otherwise it’s not all that different. Housing space needs scale with number of people in the family, after all. We’re starting to look in to purchasing a house together, and to an extent the purchasing power of four working professionals helps there, but if we also want kids it means looking at big houses so again it kinda evens out. There’s also an added layer of legal complexity that becomes necessary with home ownership - we don’t have a ready made framework like marriage.
Edit: I realized I didn’t answer your first question. It depends. Not as much as a traditional monogamous married family would - we mostly have separate bank accounts. But we share most of our expenses (even split for ease) and have income-scaled split of rent.
It might end in tears.
Its all fun and games until they decide youre not fun anymore
Yeah, I’ll be looking for the update post to this between 3 months and 1 year from now. This shit works so rarely that no one that tries this should expect it to work long term.
If you’re serious about this I’d suggest a few things first. Find a poly friendly couples therapist and do a few appointments. Even if your relationship is totally secure you’ll get some good things about it. Read the book Polysecure. Look for polyamory or ENM spaces online and read, chat with others. What you’re describing is more of a V relationship with your wife as the hinge, or possibly a full throuple with you and the other guy as a platonic relationship. The main thing to remember is that everyone needs to be equal, and there’s really 4 relationships in play here:
You and your wife
Him and your wife
You and him
All three of you
It’s possible to be ethical as a triad, but it’s work all the way around.
This is really good advice for you, OP. Polyamory is potentially a very strong and fulfilling relationship structure, but it’s a lot of work and it’s not necessarily easy.
Most of the polyamorous people i know came into their relationships already down for polyamory. Opening up a monogamous relationship is risky, so it is a good idea to proceed in an informed and intentional manner.
There’s a lot of ways relationships can go. A part of polyamory means finding what works for y’all. Who knows, maybe it’ll end up as a monogamous situation where the new guy joins y’all platonically as chosen family.
In a poly relationship with n members, there will be 2^n - n - 1 interpersonal relationships in play.
This is the cardinality of the power set of n, minus the number of singleton sets and the empty set.
Thought i would mention it, just in case you needed a quick way to calculate the number of relationships in ur polycule for ur therapist.
Only you can decide if its a bad idea. For me, if I saw my wife cum from another person, or make any of the happy sounds I get to make her make from someone else, I couldn’t handle it. But that’s me.
It’s easy to confuse friendship with deeper feelings, human connection is weird.
If you’re not romantically into him, you won’t be in a thruple, you’ll simply be sharing your partner with your friend.
Monagomy isn’t for everyone, and arguably polyamory isn’t for many people at all. I’ve seen a few of these work out but it requires very different mindsets and your mindset right now sounds like it’s on the sexual side (considering it exciting) instead of on the relationship/partnership side. Excitement is short lived, exercise caution.
Don’t ask the internet, talk frankly with all parties involved. Be aware that the relationship may already have expanded past monogamy non consensually.
Lately there have been some running jokes about how we’re basically a throuple already, and those jokes have been getting a little more… not-jokey.
Those jokes are almost never jokes…
If the other people were the ones starting the jokes, that’s called “testing the waters” and you might be in more of a trouble than you realize already.
Like, I get that guys don’t learn that as early as women, but most people figure it out
Yea my suspicion is the wife is attracted to this guy friend or already fucking him.
I mean, most posts like this aren’t real to begin with if we’re talking about suspicions.
But they do get engagement so it’s worth popping in with general advice some people do need to hear.
Bad and stupid idea. Unless you’ve both always been polyamorous, randomly deciding to open your marriage at this point just because you met a good guy friend is fucking ridiculous. You said it yourself…your marriage is good and you’re happy. Why risk that?
That being said, if this suggestion is coming from your wife then you may have some serious warning signs here. Sounds like she’s attracted to this guy friend or looking for more. I think you have to have some serious conversations with your wife. Your marriage may not be as happy as you think. Hopefully I’m wrong.
Good luck OP!
Throuple of 7 years here. It absolutely can work, but please exercise extreme caution. It requires a level of discipline and security that just isn’t realistic for most people.
Many people will tell you it doesn’t work out, but the same can be said for relationships in general. There’s always risks. There’s no life worth living without risk. If you want to do this, you need to ask yourself some deep questions and answer honestly before you get hurt.
In the same way relationships aren’t just about sex, you need to know as sure as you can be if you can handle a relationship of three. It’s all the trouble of two and then a huge scoop more. It has got to be worth it, and a lot of it isn’t glamorous.
Exactly this. It can absolutely be a fulfilling relationship, but it takes significantly more work than being a pair does.
It also isn’t a good fit for everyone. You have to be not only extremely confident in the existing relationship, but also secure enough in yourself to understand that your partners are going to have independent relationships with each other just like you have an independent relationship with each of them. A lot of people just struggle with that.
Personally I find it to be a very rewarding experience, but I full expect that to not be the case for most.
If it is something OP decides to engage with I would definitely recommend lots of reading on poly relationships, seeing a relationship counselor who specializes in open \ poly relationships, and visiting poly forums to talk about the potential pitfalls \rewards.
Y’all are too old to be using new fangled technologies like thruple. Just swing like everyone else your age in a “happy” marriage.
It depends on the person. Its usually a bad idea but some people do live like this and are happy. If you are not into men your wife would be the one with 2 husbands and you guys woud be Sister-husbands hahaha Are you ok with your wife having another reationship? Hearing them having sex without you? It will happen. Are you ok with them having inside jokes that don’t include you?
Not being mean but there is no 3 way relationship. A throuple is 3 relationships that work well independently.
Are you ok with that?! If yes let them fuck. If not well…
