I’m a 42M, my wife is 37. We’ve got a great marriage, super happy, everything’s solid. About a year ago, we met this guy (36M) through some mutual friends, and over time he’s become really close to us. We hang out all the time, meals, weekends, trips, you name it. Lately there have been some running jokes about how we’re basically a throuple already, and those jokes have been getting a little more… not-jokey. For the record, I’m not into guys and neither is he. But honestly, the idea is kind of exciting in a weird way, and I really like having him around, he feels like a best friend at this point. My wife’s also open to it. So yeah… would it be totally nuts to actually explore this?
If you’re serious about this I’d suggest a few things first. Find a poly friendly couples therapist and do a few appointments. Even if your relationship is totally secure you’ll get some good things about it. Read the book Polysecure. Look for polyamory or ENM spaces online and read, chat with others. What you’re describing is more of a V relationship with your wife as the hinge, or possibly a full throuple with you and the other guy as a platonic relationship. The main thing to remember is that everyone needs to be equal, and there’s really 4 relationships in play here:
You and your wife
Him and your wife
You and him
All three of you
It’s possible to be ethical as a triad, but it’s work all the way around.
In a poly relationship with n members, there will be 2^n - n - 1 interpersonal relationships in play.
This is the cardinality of the power set of n, minus the number of singleton sets and the empty set.
Thought i would mention it, just in case you needed a quick way to calculate the number of relationships in ur polycule for ur therapist.
This is really good advice for you, OP. Polyamory is potentially a very strong and fulfilling relationship structure, but it’s a lot of work and it’s not necessarily easy.
Most of the polyamorous people i know came into their relationships already down for polyamory. Opening up a monogamous relationship is risky, so it is a good idea to proceed in an informed and intentional manner.
There’s a lot of ways relationships can go. A part of polyamory means finding what works for y’all. Who knows, maybe it’ll end up as a monogamous situation where the new guy joins y’all platonically as chosen family.