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  • 30 Comments
Joined 7 months ago
Cake day: September 21st, 2024
  • GreenKnight23@lemmy.worldtoNo Stupid Questions@lemmy.world•Am I a jerk for telling my son he should find another dream (career)?
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    2 days ago

    unfortunately I didn’t mean for it to be read that way.

    from ages 9-20 I was in a world where I was berated and called a failure because I was never shown how to apply myself. their form of “tough love” and “brutal honesty” only alienated me further from success.

    they never once taught me HOW to apply myself and only pushed me deeper into a hole where I truly believed it was impossible for me to apply myself because I was “just a failure anyway”.

    Once I received the support on how I could apply myself successfully, I was able to discern a path forward for myself and my future. when I met my gf at the time she was truly remarkable and supported me more than I could ever imagine. she’s the one who talked me into going to college.

    unsolicited “brutal honesty” is akin to emotional and verbal abuse in my opinion because, to the victim, it is indiscernible. the outcome is the same, damage to motivations and a remodeling of perceptions of a foundationally important character in your life.

    I loved my mother unconditionally until I was 9. when she called me stupid, I have no remembrance of what it was over, nor what transpired after. All I remember is realizing that the bond and love we shared(so I thought) was circumstantial and based on how intelligent I was in her eyes.

  • GreenKnight23@lemmy.worldtoNo Stupid Questions@lemmy.world•Am I a jerk for telling my son he should find another dream (career)?
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    2 days ago

    speaking as a parent this is one of my worst fears. I want to help support my kids in whatever drives them. I know though, at some point that my kids will make their own decisions that have their own life changing repercussions. the best I can do is impart my own wisdom on them early to allow them to make better decisions when that time comes.

    I’ll impart some of my own worldly knowledge on you if you don’t mind. You’re never too old to do what you want to do. it won’t be easy, but nothing that makes your life better ever is. I was in my 30s once I turned my life around. I’ll never be where I wanted to be, but I’m a lot further than I would have been had I never tried. find what you’re good at and drives you and don’t ever be ashamed of wherever that leads you. to thine own self be true.

    I’m sorry that you didn’t get the support you needed, but as an adult remember, our parents are only human and make mistakes too. this doesn’t mean what they did was acceptable, but rather allows you to acknowledge the actions and move on from them.

    I accepted my father some years after his death, and have acknowledged my mother’s shortcomings. what has driven me to that point is my own failings as a parent. I realized that I was making the same mistakes they were just by trying to not become them. my goal as a parent was literally “don’t be like mom or dad”. now, my goal is “be the dad my kids need”.

    They don’t always get what they want, but I’m always willing to listen if it’s important enough to them. I love my kids, would do anything for them if it’s in their self-interest. I hope they look back as adults and realize that so they don’t have to waste years on battling the same demons I had.

    thanks for sharing.

  • GreenKnight23@lemmy.worldtoNo Stupid Questions@lemmy.world•Am I a jerk for telling my son he should find another dream (career)?
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    2 days ago

    • at 9 my mother called me stupid and that I wouldn’t go far unless I tried harder

    • at 12 a teacher told me that I wouldn’t amount to much because I was a loser

    • at 15 my father gave up on me and stopped trying to teach me anything and just yelled at me everyday calling me worthless

    • at 20 I left home and moved in with a batshit crazy girl, became homeless on my 21st bday.

    • I moved back home. got called a failure, a lot.

    • got another job. they trained me. they supported me.

    • met a girl, she believed in me, supported me

    • moved out together, went to college.

    • got a degree, and a job

    • got married, had kids

    I now make six figures. own a large house. very successful, mostly happy(state of the world concerns me).

    I tell you this as someone who has been told “the truth”.

    To a kid, what their parents think of them means everything. they see you as the example, not only, but a hero as well.

    what you just did broke the image they had of you. you’re not the hero anymore. you’re just like every other obstacle they see every single day.

    as a parent you must support your child, but you can be creative with it. share their hobby with them, start a new one with them, talk to them about what their backup plans. use your own life experience to help guide them to a decision of their own.

    brutal honesty gets you two things

    1. ignored
    2. resented

    apologize to your kid. you want to share some brutal honesty with them? share how big of a fucking moron you are with them. share how hard you try to be a good loving parent but still make mistakes.

    be vulnerable with your child, because you stripped away their armor and now they feel vulnerable around you.

    only then can you move past this and help guide them to where they want to be.