Sometimes. I basically work call center for a company. User calls in, account locked.

“Oh sorry about that, let me get that unlocked for you.”

Truth is, I don’t give a fuck you got locked out. Stop being stupid when you type your password.

Canadian here. Sorry, but that’s our thing.

This is a good question and not stupid. I generally don’t say sorry reflexively, no. But yes I seek to empathize and see how my actions affect others. If there is something to apologize for, I do, and always try to take ownership of my mistakes.

If it’s something where I feel fine about what I did and sincerely think the other party has wildly misinterpreted it, I may ask what they think, depending on if I have time and whether I know them, or just let it go if I don’t know them, because I’m sure I’ve done the same to people.

In general I think I err on the not apologizing side and on the defensive side, not on the over-apologizing and too self critical side, nor on the blamey and critical of others side.

I will fake apologize if it helps get me what I want. Maybe that makes me a narcissist or disingenuous but so fucking what. It’s manipulation all the way down. Always has been. My “pride” is a small price to pay.

I tend to treat words fairly literally and try to be precise, so if I say ‘I’m sorry,’ it’s because I am sorry. If I want to sympathize, I can say other things. (‘That’s awful.’ ‘Those bastards…’ etc.) On occasions where I have not felt sorry because the other person has reacted emotionally to something , I tend to ask questions. Calmly giving people a chance to feel heard can often help.
In most cases, though, I try to move people toward solutions-oriented thinking to prevent spiralling. Asking questions lets them put the problem into words, helping them switch from a defensive emotional stance to an open brainstorming stance. Giving people a goal can make them feel a sense of progress, giving them distance from the problem and possibly netting a better final result than even might have happened without the inciting event.

As someone who works with customers… yeah, it’s like 90% of my job

There’s an expression I am comfortable with and I wish more people could be.

NOT “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

Rather: “I’m sorry I made you feel that way.”

You can say this to someone without accepting blame for intending to hurt them or trying to hurt them. It’s just an acknowledgment that your actions had a consequence. Some people think that they have no responsibility for unintended consequences of their actions, and that only what they intended matters. Of course it’s important what they intended, and where they were coming from, but they can also accept that perhaps they didn’t think of everything or fully appreciate what their actions would do. We all make that mistake.

If the other person needs it and it doesn’t inconvenience me in the long term, yes. Also depends how much I care for the person in question. I don’t do this to just anyone. They usually know if they were wrong and learn from it. They don’t need me to confront them while they are vulnerable.

Doesn’t mean my feelings can’t be hurt though.

I try to be aware that needlessly apologizing devalues my apologies. I don’t have an issue saying it, but I refrain from doing so unless I actually mean it.

You don’t necessarily need to apologize to take ownership of your impact.

When you acknowledge how your words and actions affect someone (regardless of intent) you make that relationship safer, more responsive, and more connected.

Ownership is acknowledging the effects of your behavior, not absorbing all blame or excusing harmful behavior from either party.

It sounds like “When I did X, the impact on you was Y…here’s what I’ll do differently,” which lowers defensiveness and invites collaboration on solutions.

Sorry im Canadian. I don’t know what you mean. 😅

There are times when apologies are more of a social lubricant or a way to signal you aren’t angry or hostile. Quickly apologizing for not hearing your coworker and asking them what they need might speed things along and get them away from you faster. You don’t need to feel any real sympathy for them. In this situation, an apology is more like a rote phrase said to ease into conversation and allow the other person a few seconds to move from “get their attention” mode back to “thing i need to say to them” mode.

For personal information, the purpose of an apology is just to slightly gentle the blow of not answering the question. Useful for maintaining a neutral relationship with coworkers. If the question is reasonable but you don’t want to answer (how was your vacation? do you like a particular musician?), you might consider tacking on an apology. If the question is out of line or inappropriate in that environment (are you gay? do you have a good relationship with your parents? what’s your body count? why won’t you give me $100?) a lack of apology gives them less opportunity to press.

Anyway, that’s where I’m at with it, but I’m not known for being socially adroit. A real apology is longer and comes with recognition of harm done, etc. You’re so sorry you spilled that coffee on their lap. You’ll watch where you’re going from now on. Do they need a first aid kit or some towels? The kind of day to day apology for not hearing someone is just a brief acknowledgement of them as a human so you can both get on with things.

I did it so much in a retail job that the supervisor told me to stop saying sorry all the time and of course I immediately replied “sorry.” Being autistic and socially anxious will do that unfortunately. It’s taken time and I’ve gotten a bit better at not apologising for things that aren’t my fault, but it’s still an annoying habit.

There is no simple answer to this. It’s like at least three factors interacting. How much empathy do you feel towards the other person? How close is your relationship on the scale of strangers bumping into each other on the street to best friends forever? How big an issue has any of this been objectively (or as close as you can get there)? So that’s three sliding scales to adjust to get an outcome. The closer a relationship is, the harder this can be because there is history and people (I’m including myself in this) can be very petty.

Just judging by the hints you dropped you should probably reconsider your approach to your coworkers. And I don’t mean you need to be submissively apologetic all the time and share everything from your private life, even your hemorrhoid problems, with the crew. You’ll probably make your life easier just on a human level plus improve odds of promotion if you do more of that, even if it feels more line cosplay to you. I share your “grow the eff up”/no bullshit stance but that only works in a group of like minded people.

Yes… Apologies aren’t about fault for me. They are about recognising other’s suffering, and possibly about acknowledging my contribution to that situation.

The apology isn’t about you, it’s about the other person, and showing you care about them.