I’m a single mom to a 13 year old teen and we live in a bad area. I work two jobs to pay the bills. I’m currently a barista and at night I’m a dancer/stripper at a nightclub. I haven’t really told him about my night job yet, since I’ve just played it off as being a waitress. I feel like he’s gotten kind of mature now, but I also am kind of scared he might judge me or it might affect our relationship.
Well, in 5 years he will have either heard it from you or heard it from his friends.
Also, holy shit, this is tough one. Sex work is legitimate work, but his friends, primarily young men, are not going to be cool about this; especially if there are lap dances involved. On the other hand, it keeps food in the pantry and heat in house.
If it were me, then I would rather here it from my mom than from my friends. In addition to maintaining an honest relationship with your son, this also protects you. Men are pretty fucked up and it is not a stretch to imagine that your sons’ friends or their fathers could use the threat of telling your son about your night work as the basis for sexual exploitation. At the very least, it would draw some dads’ attention your way that would cause nothing but problems. Consider explaining how much of your income is derived from stripping and then explain what it pays for. Be ready for him to suggest alternative occupations with knowledge about what your finances would look like if you switched. This will help him understand the why behind your work and allow him to arm up on return-fire jokes.
These types of jokes would, of course, be crass, and aimed at either the unfuckability of other kids’ moms or at their dads’ priorities; for example, their dad is willing to pay for his college but not their own sons’?
Additionally, this whole conversation may be a net positive for his personal views on porn, having a humanizing effect on the woman that he would otherwise see as objects. Life is hard and people do what they can. It’s a weird facet of our culture that sex work is so readily consumed AND so readily looked down on.
Finally, and this is speculative at best, with the GOP pushing a federal anti-porn bill through the house and senate, strip clubs may see an increase in foot traffic, thereby increasing both your income and your likelihood of your son finding out. It may, also, make this line of work illegal and therefore more dangerous.
All of this is for consideration and, unfortunately, none of this answers your question directly. Truly, this is an ethical question for the ages.
Growing up, my mom owned a women’s lingerie store on the main commercial street in the heart of our neighborhood. My teachers and classmates bought their bras and panties from my mom, and everyone knew this. Obviously, this isn’t exactly the same as sex work, but I can tell you I was served well by the fact that I never grew up inheriting any awkwardness or discomfort. My mom was proud and unembarrassed of her work, so then so was I.
Live a truth you’re not ashamed of and share that truth with your kids at an age appropriate level. You don’t need to be graphic, but tell your kids you work at a club. Tell them you’re a stage performer. If they say, “do you strip?” You can say yes or you can say that stage performances are for an adult audience and you would rather not discuss the details. But if you acted ashamed, you’re giving your kid that shame.
As a parent, one of the most important things is that we be the kind of people we want them to be. If you want your kid to be brave/mindful/proud/kind/patient/etc. you gotta try and live it.