I work 7 days a week with 4 different jobs. I don’t have time to go out, much less have friends. But I have walked out of places and stopped in a gym signup process because they required a cell phone to use their service.

“Hi, I’d like a menu”

“Oh, our resteraunt only has QR codes.”

“Ok, bye bye.”

I just don’t scan QR codes.

I don’t know about now, but back in the 90s the magical out was that you punched them in the face.

Back then the concept of a school shooting didn’t exist, and parents didn’t threaten to sue the school every 5 minutes.

So teachers would just let the fights go.

“Oh, Billy tried bullying Bobby, and now Bobby punched Billy in the face? Eh…call me when they break bones and spill blood. I’m going to go make popcorn.”

These days? I’m sure both kids would get expelled.

No Bones in the Couch

This is the fog version of “No Sex in the Champaign Room”.

…I swear I’m the only one who remembers that.

My cat had a very different approach. Her approach was “FEED ME NOW, HUMAN!!! AND IF YOU TOUCH ME WHILE I AM EATING, I WILL MURDER EVERYONE IN A 5 MILE RADIUS!!!”

Then she’d get done eating, and be a lovely sweet angel again. Now that the food horror is over…for now…

They just called out “everyone is welcome here” and you think they WOULDN’T take issue with “be kind”?

I believe that to be correct.

Your assesment, not the result.

Ok. Batman Forever introduced Bat Nipples. Two guys. Nipples on full display.

In 1997 I was 13. Huge crush on the girl from Clueless.

So imagine my excitement when I found out that Batman & Robin was coming out. It had even BIGGER more PROMINANT Bat nipples. AND it cast Alicia Silverstone as Bat Girl!!!

Batman had Bat Nipples.

Robin had Bat Nipples.

Batgirl had…WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE NIPPLES??? I’M 13 IN PUBERTY, AND I FULLY EXPECT TO SEE CONSISTANTCY IN MY BATMAN MOVIES WHEN IT COMES TO ALICIA SILVERSTONE AND HER NIPPLES!!!

Now, 28 years later, and I’m fairly sure Alicia Silverstone has never done nudity in any movie.

Same thing with Christina Applegate.

What is it with my teenage crushes keeping their clothes on??? Nowadays, if you even take a private nude selfie, and are famous, hackers somehow release the photos in 10 seconds.

WHY COULDN’T THAT BE TRUE IN THE 90S??? I mean, I guess atbleast we got Drew Barrymore.

Oh.

Well then I fully agree to ban peanuts on planes. I didn’t know that.

Wait, I’m confused about the peanuts thing.

How would people who are allergic to peanuts have a reaction, just because someone next to them is eating peanuts?

I thought to have a reaction, YOU have to eat the peanut?

This is a PS4 emulator? And PS4 is retro now???

STOP MAKING ME OLD!!!

WHO downvoted this, and why do you hate amazing things???

…I think you’re describing either depression, or masochism.

Out of the loop here. Is this that new trump phone?

"Hey honey, sorry about the late night call. I just wanted to check in to say I love you.

Hey, on an unrelated note, there is an orgy happening in my room. Like 13 people have DEMANDED to suck my dick since I checked in. And so far 3 women have had strapons. You know I can’t last here! You KNOW how easily I submit to strong women with strapons! Ok, love you byeeeeee, mistress chloe is calling from down the hall…"

…oh no.

New phrase just dropped!

The address is the border. No, not the one with the wall. The other one.

Although, they really SHOULD build a wall, to keep all the racist americans out. Make trump pay for it all.

The Onion should start a sister news outlet called “The Moon” that just parodies The Sun.