I imagine you cannot think too much about things or too much ahead yes? You have to isolate some parts of your brain and wall the certain thoughts off. Yet you cannot do it completely because you will become too lethargic to care about your safety?
How to dull your instincts just enough to not go mad but not enough to get yourself killed from carelessness that perhaps would arise from separating your psyche from the existential dread completely?
What I mean is that when you are huddled in the trench and things explode around everything screams run and panic but you must separate from that feeling yes while still preserving rational thought and some modicum of self preservation instincts?
Edit: This post isn’t wholly theoretical but part of a mental preparation for increasingly likely war. During which I will most likely volunteer
In times of crisis, you’re liable to find out what you’re really made of. For all of history, unassuming folk have been surprised to find that they are made of pretty stern stuff.
That’s not to say we all come out of it looking heroic. In order to do that, we must be fortunate enough to realise that just because the world can be cruel, doesn’t mean we need be.
I guess I’m so many words my answer is that you will have to trust in yourself a little that you’ll know how to look after yourself. The real trick is going to be looking after the ones around you who make survival so much easier in the long run.
I suggest reading perspectives of people in Ukraine, Syria etc who’ve lived in war. It is heartbreaking but that’ll teach you more than anyone here is likely to.
Stick to the training, your brain will figure out the rest. Unless you’re missing self-preservation instinct, your brain will do its best to survive and avoid psychological trauma.
That includes trauma from killing others, you will dull in time naturally.
Important note: you will get psychological trauma, there’s no way to avoid that. Your brain will put up some defenses (the kind of the defenses is highly individual) to prevent the trauma fucking up your life in the short term, but it will fuck you up in the long term. Only therapy can help there, though it’s very unlikely to be cured entirely at all.
If you go to war and get traumatized, find a therapist as fast as you can. The longer the trauma is untreated, the deeper it becomes part of your personality. And by that I mean really as fast as you can. If you get a chance to speak to a therapist 20 minutes after you go through something traumatic, do it, even if you feel like you’re managing. If you can’t access one that quickly (which is likely during an armed conflict), do it as soon as you’re able to.
I kind of am missing self preservation instinct a lot of times yes.
Which I mean that if something suddenly dangerous is happening I just observe it for some time absent minded before I consciously do something. It seems like a pretty unfortunate trait.
It’s possible that some drugs fkd me up and I don’t have startle instinct at all or it is seriously diminished.
Almost crashed car on highway the other day because I had to consciously brake and steer away which I did after some delay while feeling exactly nothing
I think it’s good that you are willing to join up if the Russians invade.
However, I don’t think “I yearn to kill people” is a good mentality to have. What happens if a war doesn’t come and you don’t have the option of killing “Russians”. What “lesser” people is that desire going to be transferred to?
I’m not saying Russia isn’t a threat or that Russian culture isn’t problematic (you can check my comment history to see I am very pro-Ukrainian). I just don’t think the desire to kill should be your motivator.
I would suggest you try and move more towards something more positive like wanting to protect others, which may happen to have you kill russians in some circumstances.
Regardless of anything above, I hope you are able to stay healthy and Russia never invades another country.
