You staying with your dad, at least in your mom’s eyes, is you choosing the new chick over her also.

And if thats what you want to do, so be it. But you’re actively choosing another woman over your mother.

Think of it like this: Someone was caught doing x. X being any deplorable act you wanna fit in there. Let’s say being racist to the point of violence.

Said member of that race who you’ve hung out with comes to you, tells you what happened, and asks you not continue hanging with said person or else they’re going to deem you racist too.

Although you don’t have any racist views, and although that person has never been racist to you since your not that “undesirable” race, you continuing the relationship puts you in the racist category.

You could stop the relationship although it hurts. And in doing so you may even help the person learn the errors of thier ways, or atleast the consequences of their actions.

Or you can say nothing and allow the racist tyrad to continue.

OP you have given us way little information. How was your parents marriage before this blow up? Were you not close with your mother before? You mention you are close with your father but nothing about mother. Also were you upset or angry by the actions of your father? From the information you have shared (that you are staying with your dad and his mistress), it seems that you are not bothered by what is happening.

Now based on the limited information you have given, your father is clearly the guilty party here. He did something that is morally wrong. Hopefully you understand that. Your mom is very hurt and must feeling betrayed (slightly even by you because you chose to stay with your dad and his mistress). In that emotional state, she is making a unreasonable request to you (to go no contact with your dad). If you want a good relationship with mom, you will have sit down with her and reach an understanding and compromise with her. Maybe you can go to therapy with her like some other commenters suggested. One thing I am sure about is that if you side with father on everything, you will end up estranged from your mom.

If you’re close with your dad you can ask him why. He has to explain himself. It’s likely he will explain things that he didn’t want to. There is the issue. If they filed, civilly, for divorce and then this happened, I know it would still be upsetting, but he did things in the wrong order. You can love someone who’s done something shitty. However, it’s their responsibility to provide you with an explanation. Just don’t make the same mistakes he did. Ever again. I’m so sorry. Please go out and get a nice supper. It might help.

What your dad did was wrong and it’s understandable your mom would want to end her relationship with him, however that is between them and you should not have to end your relationship with him over it

There’s a lot of assumptions and excuses for cheating in this thread. Mum shouldn’t be getting involved in whether you see your dad. Dad shouldn’t have cheated on mum.

Most of the advice here has been good, apart from one person

You don’t know the details of your parents’ relationship. You don’t know how they behaved when you weren’t there

Life is never black-and-white. This isn’t condoning cheating, it’s an acknowledgement that it’s very simple to say what’s right and wrong when you are on the outside

What’s shit is that you are being put in the middle

The problem is between your mother and father and neither of them should expect you to take a side, but once again, life is messy and hurt people do things in their anger and frustration that aren’t rational or reasonable

Time definitely helps, and things can take years to settle, if they ever do

It’s unfair for you to be used as a pawn in their game. People who make demands and try to squeeze you with a “you’re with me, or you’re against me” aren’t looking out for you, they’re looking out for themselves

No child should be weaponised.

If you can handle the conflict, or potentially messy details, you can ask her why she expects you to abandon your father. She might come to realise what an unfair position she’s putting you in

Either way, good luck, and remember that it’s easy to judge, but there’s a lot of truth in the old saying about walking a mile in someone else’s shoes

Kia kaha

My dad tried this same trick and wanted to influence my relationship with my mom (who had an affair). I told him I understand his feelings but that he could never talk that way to me again or I would cut him out of my life immediately. This is my mom you’re talking about.

I can’t have other folks then myself decide who I interact with. It’s not like I’m taking sides or feel great about her actions, but I wasn’t gonna stop seeing her because it hurts someone else.

I never was that direct with my parents before, but it felt like if that line would be crossed it would all come crumbling down.

Shitty men marry shitty women and have shitty kids.

Ah the circle of life.

People sometimes cheat, not okay, but it happens. Most likely the marriage wasn’t going so well, and he got some attention he wanted from someone else. Your mother is hurt and angry. But she does not have the right to deny your continued contact and bond with your dad.

There is no good reason mentioned in your post to end your relationship with your dad to end.

However, how the divorce is handled is more important in my opinion. If he in some major way makes sure she gets a bad unfair deal, then things are different. If he not only cheats, but also does not share in a fair manner, then he is really hurting your mother in a way that is harder to accept.

Tell your mom you and her need to go to a therapist. Maybe a therapist can help to figure out how to move forward. Then tell your dad the same thing.

Maybe some of what was going on behind the scene will come out.

No one on lemmy will be able to give you a good idea of what to do or how to move forward.

I mean, look at what everybody is saying. Really read it. They’re all basically saying, make a decision without all the knowledge. There might one or two are saying something else, but I may have missed them.

Some are saying go live with your mom well that’s making a decision. That’s picking a side. Some are saying stay with your dad. It is in between you andyour dad it’s between your dad and your mom. But again that’s making a decision without all the knowledge.

Social media will give you a reactionary view in general. A therapist will sit you down and ask questions of not only you but also your mom and your dad. Then you have a better of what is going on. You may not have all the picture but at least you have an idea.

Your Mom is hurting and lashing out.

You don’t need to fight her battles for her. But you can support her by spending time with her. If she doesn’t appreciate that, you can stop.

Your parents have some beef they need to settle between themselves - not with you. Any parent requesting their kids to retaliate against the other parent is a red flag. It’s manipulation. Beware of her !

Now, if your dad had done something to you and you felt like cutting ties, or perhaps your dad represents a serious threat to your mother and cutting ties is necessary for her safety, well that’s a different case scenario. But that’s not what you are telling us.

TLDR: you are not a bad person.

Your mum is hurt and this is okay but the manipulation is not. As Judge Judy always said to divorced parents who tried to use their children against each other. , “You need to love your children more than you hate each other.”

No. Your mom is hurt, and probably feeling betrayed from multiple fronts. First from her husband having the affair, and now from you choosing to stay with him. But that doesn’t make her words accurate, nor does it make them acceptable.

She actually needs to be really careful in how she brooches the subject going forward, because this is a clear cut attempt at parental alienation. It’s a big issue in divorce proceedings; If one parent tries to alienate the child(ren) from the other, then the courts can step in and use that against the offending parent in the divorce.

Basically, courts recognize that divorce brings out the worst in people, and they don’t want children being caught in the middle or used as weapons/leverage. If it gets too bad, the court will even appoint a lawyer specifically for you/any siblings, whose entire focus is on your wellbeing. Because the court basically recognizes that during divorce, chances are very good that the parents will act out of spite instead of the child(ren)’s best interest. So to protect the kids, the court essentially appoints a lawyer to represent the kids.

That lawyer isn’t focused on which parent gets the bigger slice of the assets, or who pays alimony, except to determine how that would affect your living conditions. All that lawyer does is fight for your best interest. And when it comes time to decide who you stay with, your opinion does factor into it. They’ll weigh your opinion more heavily if you’re older, but it does play a large part in who ends up being your primary guardian.

Your dad had an affair, and torched the relationship your parents had. That sucks. But you’re not a bad person for wanting to stay with him regardless. Your mom needs to do some soul searching, and rethink how she talks about your dad in front of you in the future.

My dad was an addict and had multiple affairs. My mom never even told me about them until I was much older, and she did everything in her power to avoid talking shit, because she wanted to keep him in my life. The court wanted to totally end his custody, but she fought for supervised visits instead. Because she recognized that if I wanted to end my relationship with him, it should be my choice, not hers. And I respect the hell out of her for that. Because it meant that when I finally decided to cut contact, it was for my own reasons.

I feel you. I went through a similar ordeal 30 years ago with my dad. You should not be in the middle. It’s your parents business about their marriage. Therapy is good suggestion from others.