There is this girl I like, she knows I would like to go on a date with her someday. She isn’t sure what she wants at the moment. That’s all fine but I genuinely begin to develop feelings for her. And I just don’t really care all that much for a friendship anymore. It screws with my psyche, it’s like only being allowed to smell a fine wine instead of drinking it. (bad analogy, but fuck it)
I’ve had enough. I just want to tell her I don’t like seeing her on just a friendship level any more. And if she doesn’t see me as a romantic partner, which is totally A-okay fine with me, but it will mean I’m walking away from this friendship all together. At the same time I don’t want to force her to make a decision (she sometimes has trouble saying no). And here’s the real son of a gun, she is highly suicidal and takes endings of friendship badly (as she herself has said).
So does anyone have any advice to spare here? Yes, I’m a terrible person so think of it for her sake. Because the friendship is going to end, one way or the other.
Sometimes things end because someone wants something the other doesn’t. That’s ok. It’s life.
But if you never take the shot, then you’re keeping something alive in hopes of some potential future breakthrough, and that’s not fair to you (or them) either.
So, rip the bandaid off and commit. If that’s not what she wants, that’s on her, and you can move on.
And please, please, please remember— her mental health issues are her own and not yours to solve or navigate like a minefield.
100% do it.
No woman should ever take an ultimatum like that, but it’s better for her to know who you are then you creeping around her and growing resentful while she thinks you’re legitimately a friend.
This way everyone goes their separate ways. Eventually you might learn that it’s not an either or thing and good relationships are friendships.
I’d like to be friends but only if we can have sex.
Doesn’t really sound like a rock solid friendship there.
That analogy is unfair to our genial mobster Fat Tony. People in romantic relationships often do everything friends would do and more. Fat Tony isn’t pursuing a romantic relationship because he’s shallow. He’s looking to back out of the relationship because it’s too painful for him to not have the romantic aspect.
It’s going to be much less common for people to avoid friendships because they’re so horny for the person they get blue balls. In your analogy, the person doesn’t want the friendship because they don’t even like the other person’s company and only want to fuck. Fat Tony likes this person too much.
A) It’s not an analogy, it’s a summation of facts.
B) I would put heavy money says F Tony finds this person fairly attractive and bizzarely, this situation hasn’t arisen with an unattractive female friend.
C) I’ve been that asshole, I get it. But personally, a huge part of maturing from a boy to a man was learning the difference between friendship and romance, and that a friendship with an attractive woman who seems super compatible doesn’t mean a romantic relationship is the next or best step. (Also, how fucking shitty is this to our lady friends?) It’s a weird lesson and not one that everyone learns but my God, the world opens up once/if you do figure it out.
Maybe your old self is projecting a lot of your past struggles into Tony here. You’re the one equating taking a girl out on a date with having sex.
Maybe but I think you either really want this guy to be the good guy here or you’re not reading particularly critically. This guy makes an actual analogy of friendship as “like only being allowed to smell a fine wine instead of drinking it.” which is pretty gross, like the point of friendship is actually dating or nothing. (No one buys a wine to smell it, whereas most normal people can just be friends of whatever gender to be friends.)
And this isn’t a case of “she just doesn’t know how I feel!” as he states at the beginning she knows, so she is un interested or not in the right space.
And yeah, “You’re the one equating taking a girl out on a date with having sex.” because what most dating is about is a platonic hand holding?
I get I’m online and this place skews young, male and not particularly social but this is fairly goshdarn creepy. Like, is this guy unable to function around interesting women who have partners? Or is it just that this woman has the audacity to be single while he’s single and RIGHT HERE and they’re already friends so clearly she owes him? Ugh.
Edit: I don’t think Lemmy has enough women for a vibrant NiceGuys community but if you’re still on reddit, you should give r/NiceGuys a whirl. It’s kind of full of this self pitying “but I’m her friend, surely she should want to date me” kinda creepiness.
Perhaps.
I think you’re making a mistake though only thinking there is platonic and sexual. There are romantic aspects to many relationships which are neither.
I think it takes a wild leap to say that the guy who compared being friends and unable to date as smelling wine but not being allowed to drink it, what he really wants is the soulful bond of a romantic relationship in an asexual manner. That’s just a completely wild interpretation supported by nothing other than, I dunno, wanting it to be the case?
If she’s not a good enough friend that you’re willing to just walk away from her, then dating is probably a bad idea.
It’s nothing about her not being good enough. It’s my own feelings that are in the way.
Your feelings for what?
I disagree with the person you’re replying to - romantic partners and friends have a lot in common but they are not the same thing. And just because you were romantically interested in someone doesn’t mean you owe them friendship. These things are difficult and if you don’t want to keep being a friend for whatever reason that’s fine.
If she’s actively suicidal then she is no place to start a new relationship and I do not think you should be persuing it. Suicidal depression is nothing to fuck with. I hope you understand the magnitude of that. Also you said she has trouble saying no. You really don’t want to end up dating her just because she’s scared to say no. That’s completely fucked up at so many levels.
This girl has to take care of herself and work through her issues. You can support her as a friend, but if it causes you distress then you need to back off and let her utilize her other support systems. If she is telling you she doesn’t know what she wants, then I would listen to her and respect that. You make the choice - can you be her friend only and support her while not feeling bad yourself? If yes, support her. If not, move on. My personal opinion is you should move on and maybe approach her in the future once she’s healthy, if the timing is right. Or just move on and you’ll find someone else.
If you would break it off either way, just tell them how you feel. The worst that happens is she doesn’t feel the same and you stop seeing them. But the potential she feels the same is there, too.
I want to be sympathetic but alarm bells are ringing with the immediate juxtaposition of “that’s all fine but I genuinely begin to develop feelings for her” and “I just don’t really care all that much for a friendship”.
If the issue was that painful to be around her until you can work the feelings out, then that wouldn’t be half as bad as saying that she’s not worth keeping as a friend if you can’t date her.
“that’s all fine but I genuinely begin to develop feelings for her” and “I just don’t really care all that much for a friendship”.
Okay I may have not worded it very well there. What I mean is that I don’t want to be in this “friendzone” any more. I really don’t and I don’t see myself being happy remaining as such.
So, if she won’t give herself to you, you can stop wasting your time on her and find someone else to hang around and obsess over?
I recognize this behavior, because I used to do it. Spoiler: it doesn’t work.
Go meet more people, stop treating women differently from men, and remember: getting laid won’t happen until you stop forcing it.
I don’t think it’s wise to treat people you’re romantically interested the exact same you would any other person. That’s how I got into this mess, to be honest. I actually feel like if I were more upfront about it I now wouldn’t have made this post here.
stop treating women differently from men
True and I never have otherwise. But you should absolutely treat people you like differently, at least in the way of what you want with them.
Oh that’s easy, you say “I wanna keep seeing you but on a dating level.”
Just be blunt and honest man. It’s that simple.
Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who you don’t like?
Honestly it sounds like the opposite. I’ve been there before… having feelings for someone but not being able to act on them. Feeling complete jealousy when she begins dating someone else, it can fucking hurt big time. People can say it’s selfish or whatever, but honestly the feeling can tear the hell out of someone, and it’s better for both parties to cut ties.
I never said I didn’t like her. It’s quite the opposite.
As someone who had this mindset from social pressure in their younger years, you should get over yourself. A friendship and a dating/sexual relationship can be separated by being able to let go of the feeling of being rejected.
Because the friendship is going to end, one way or the other.
Your feelings of being rejected are valid, your reaction is counter productive in the long run. Try to be friends, let the rejection go. Focus on putting yourself out there to find someone else.
Just be nice, say your romantic feelings are getting to you too much and that you want to back off if you can’t purshe them. Staying open to occasional contact (like by email) is a lot better than cutting the person off completely.
Getting involved with someone with serious mental health issues doesn’t sound like a great idea either, if they’re not under some reasonable level of control.
See, what you do is, step 1, buy a mansion. With a huge basement.
Step 2, install several cages in that basement. Full iron bar.
Step 3, hire ninjas to use sleeping darts on her to knock her out.
Step 4, imprison her naked in one of your many basement cells. Each of these cells has a human sized hampster wheel. She now has to run on this hampster wheel all day. Doing so produces electricity, which powers your house.
Step 5, repeat steps 3-4 until all the cells are filled with more naked slaves!
Step 6, install webcams and start a business called “WeRunOnHampsterWheels.com”. Create a new fetish based on bouncy boobs running on a hampster wheel, which you now have a temporary monopoly on, and a head start, and an unfair advantage in being able to create live content 24/7 for free.
Never once show your face in this house. Ever.
Step 7, after years of hampster wheel slavery, you “break into” the mansion, and find this woman you used to know who hasn’t been seen in like 15 years.
Step 8, tell her you COULD get the key hanging on the wall, and set her free…but you only want to see her in a dating sense.
She’ll be so thsnkful that she’ll agree to anything.
Checkmate!
Where am I supposed to get a hamster wheel??
Also, I feel like at that last stage we may as well just remain friends.
See…this is why you’re having trouble finding dates. Women love a man who has his shit together, and has multiple hampster wheels!
I love your commitment to spelling “hampster” with a “p”. At first I thought it was a typo, but now I see it’s crucial to the thing.
But New Hampshire and dumpster have a p…!!
Edit: I JUST FIGURED IT OUT. YOU, CHILD OF THE 90s, IT’S BECAUSE HAMPSTER DANCE WAS SPELLED WITH A P. We are fine, we are sane, but we are still recovering from the 90s Internet. Oh, in so many ways. I can’t believe it took me 30+ years to realize the origin of the P.
You gotta shoot your shot and then be prepared to walk away if they’re not interested. It’s as simple as that. I’ve ended a few friendships with women I’ve developed a crush on as once I had a crush, they weren’t really friendships anymore.
End the friendship now.
She doesn’t want you plus the suicidal ideations complicate matters.
Don’t make it a thing, just stop being in her life slowly. It doesn’t need to be an event, just stop being around her.
🤮
