Thanks! I figured it out (after a few hours) thanks to your comment! hehe. Much appreciated. :)

I didn’t think it was! Mine wasn’t either! Sorry if I came off aggro. D:

You seem to have confused me for someone who is willing to explain or be held accountable for their statements.

This is likely good advice, but just curious. Did you mean post history or can you see the reports made by someone too?

Asking for a friend…

I’m deeply sorry. I hear it’s terminal.

This is exactly why they should be banned.

I hear you can do that in vrchat. Oh wait, you said relatively normal…

I mean, sometimes I’m the demon.

I think it definitely has therapeutic potential. Dissociating from your regular self and getting some emotional distance helps you examine your problems under a different perspective, something desperately needed during depression. It might even be more promising than psychedelics in that regard. It also has pretty high abuse potential, though, so there’s that. There seems to be a specific kind of person that’s more vulnerable to ketamine as a substance of abuse too.

Every druggo has their preference. Nervous people tend to like benzos, for example.

For feeling like you’re running away from problems, few things are as effective and perverse as an opiate addiction, with ketamine coming as a far 2nd for those who don’t go that far.

Lots of attention to asia. Do you have family there?

Yeah they don’t mind the booze. If you want a break from them it would be easier to use ketamine. However, until you face and defeat them and no matter how much you run, they will always come back stronger.

Don’t do drugs, kids. As someone who tried a remarkable amount and variety of them, i strongly recommend against their use. Not saying it’s wrong to use them. They’re just a bad deal.

Not that they’re not fun, it’s just the costs and risks aren’t worth it.

Booze isn’t great either tbh.

I was and happened to be living in the us at the time. It was a good useful campaign, but also extremely depressing.

Sounds horrible. I’m sorry about your dad and your action paralysis sounds brutal. I can definitely relate too.

I’ve struggled with it too up to my late 20s and my brother had a very serious case of it. For me, I stopped answering the phone for years during my depression until every last person who cared about me just stopped calling. I remember one day came where I realized it was my birthday late that afternoon. No one had called. Not a single person. “Well, this is it. You did it, Pudutr0n. Congrats.” I thought to myself.

I can’t blame them either. I wouldn’t take calls or answer the door. I just refused to live. I didn’t want to take part in society. I didn’t want to face the pressure of being judged by others for my every word, the state of my life and my lack of accomplishments. I felt shame about every ounce of my being and guilt for not ever showing up or picking up for anything or anyone. It was bad.

On some level I just wanted to disappear into not being remembered by anyone so I could take my own life in peace, knowing no one would care.

But that day never came. For some reason some people never, ever ever stopped caring. And depression can be horrible and push you to be a dick to people too. It did in my case, anyway.

When I started showing up again, there were some people who were just happy to see me. They didn’t care about the long list of failures I had accumulated, my lack of achievement, how weird I am, how I threw my life away, gained weight or had absolutely nothing to share. They didn’t want anything from me. They were just happy I was showing up. At first I couldn’t conceive the concept of unconditional care/love, but i’ll tell you. It exists. And not just by friends either. Some mental health professionals are this way too. On the other hand, some are psychopaths too, so there’s also that. heh.

I’m sorry you’re feeling the way you are. I’m sorry you can’t get out. I’m sorry you’re being blamed for something you didn’t do. I’m sorry you have no ways to give yourself joys. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. It sounds horrible and I’m sure you don’t deserve it.

There’s nothing to be afraid of and there’s nothing to be ashamed of regarding other people though. If I found anything at all during all my years of darkness, it’s that regardless of life conditions, there are some things that never stop mattering. In my case a big one was loved ones. I didn’t want to see them because I valued them too much to expose them to myself, and seeing their disappointment when they looked to or talked to me would have destroyed me. I felt bad about shutting them down. I really did. Not because of what I lost, but because I hurt them. I was on this constant insane guilt trip about it too which didn’t let me do anything to change, well, anything.

Anyway, I don’t know how it’s like for you, but I would advise you to take a good look at what’s still important to you and who still cares, because that information will be priceless for the rest of your life when you get out.

If you’re experiencing shame and guilt, just keep in mind the people that would want you to feel embarrassed, insufficient or not enough in any way because of your life, what you look like or what you’ve been through, those people are meaningless. You wouldn’t want to spend 5 seconds with them to begin with, even if you were on top of the world… and the people who wouldn’t want you to feel this way… they are the ones that matter, and guess what? They stick around. When they think you want them to, anyway. And they don’t care about the stuff you find so unforgivable or the questions that would make you feel “not enough” at a dinner party. They just care about you cause you’re you.

Maybe identify these people. They’re important. In my case, many of them are online, and some are family. It helps to talk to them when I feel I’m feeling bad, too. If you reach out to them, they’ll likely respond too, even if you feel bad for doing so.

INo one can get out of this for you and idk how long this will last but know this: when you do get out, you’ll have crystal clear notion of what and who truly matters in life. And that, my friend, is something of immense value.

I have faith in you and hope you make your way out of the hole soon.

Take care of yourself, M137. You deserve it. <3

Thanks! And yeah, definitely helps me, anyway. Have a good one!

I’m really sorry. That’s a lot. Sounds like you’re having a really bad time. I hope I had a solution for all of this but the truth is I don’t and no one probably does.

Even though it’s painful to think about, maybe it’s ok to accept things aren’t fine, though… Cause you know… maybe they’re not. Maybe it’s better to focus on the here and now and our inner worlds and come to terms with what we’re feeling, have our grieving processes and then be more practical.

To me instead of saying “ït’s fine. it’s fine. it’s fine. it’ll all be fine” I started thinking “Everything’s screwed and nothing is fine… but that’s ok. that’s how things are now. this is reality.”

It’s like the acceptance of things not being good as a possible state of being allowed me to stop running and I became more pragmatic. Cause it seems that for many, things aren’t fine. The world is in a state that has lots of us deeply worried, but among all the chaos and the risks and horrible things that are happening there’s us, the few inches in front of our faces, how we feel and how we treat those we care about. And that’s basically it. Everything else is just stories.

I decided to accept the world as a broken place and manage the little capabilities I have for the better support of the few I have the power to make a difference on, and idk it’s helped. I’m not saying this is universally good advice or helps anyone on a collective level, ofc. I don’t know you or what works for you.

My point is we can always come to terms with our grief and be pragmatic about the those we care about, regardless of our different ways to handle it. Seeing the world go to hell is a grieving process too. In my case accepting my own inner pain has at least spared me the pain and fear of running away from it.

I don’t know how well this applies to you and I understand it might not be anywhere near what you were looking for. I’m sorry. I really am. The world’s a mess and we’re all supposed to act normal. I wish it wasn’t like this. The problem is it is, and we feel the way we do. So are we just gonna keep denying being overwhelmed? Just keep bottling it up all day every day?

idk. It’s ok to be sad, mad, scared and overwhelmed. They’re not pleasant feelings, but they’re just feelings. They only have power over us when we try to escape from them

You stay strong and take care of yourself. Thanks for sharing and I really hope things get better.

D:<

That happens to me too. I sometimes just don’t sleep out of… idk… spite? Not sure if that makes sense or not but it’s like “screw you, pudutr0n, you don’t get to sleep more. me and the boys are going out to have fun!”

I’m sorry about your little boy and I hope he’s not as cranky as you expect. You’re doing good work raising a little human with care and support. Not everyone has the same consideration.

Hope you have a great day. Peace to you, RizzoTheSmall.

I was fearing someone else would also be struggling with this.

Sounds like a plan! And anytime. You take care of yourself now, and I hope things pick up for you as well.

Don’t want to hijack this or anything, but following the news, even from here (a faraway land), was wreaking havoc on my mental health. I had to stop reading about it and looking at the news. It started feeling like looking at gore at some point. Just scratching some morbid itch about wanting to see horrible things. Since the outer world seemed lost, I started working on my inner world. I’m by no means a completely satisfied person, but I can tell you I’ve felt better. My life, circumstances have not improved one bit and the risks I and we all face have not changed, if not gotten worse, but I’m in a better place. Not a great one, but better.

I really hope things get better for everyone.