This isn’t really “I did a bad thing once as a child” this is just people passing you’ve apparently slapped a weird label on

No one is born bad.

You might be a Buddhist in a former life, now reincarnated 😅

But seriously tho:

Be kind, but don’t be a pushover. You have to look out for your own interests, because no one else will

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mScpHTIi-kM

• Six-year-olds have very little agency over their minds and so little understanding of the world that IMO it’s not really worth it to view them as “guilty” of things.
• I don’t know whether this is a useful way of thinking about things for you, but most of the matter in your body has been replaced with new matter since you were six years old. I expect most of the way you think and the things you know have been replaced since then, and how your cognition works on a very basic level has changed. Like, if you’re over age 27 you have a developed prefrontal cortex that wasn’t all there before. You’ve changed enough that you could safely regard yourself as a different person in a material sense, and a much better person. Sometimes when I remember something terrible I’ve done ages ago, the way I’ll think of it is that I can destroy that other version of me by becoming a different, better person.
• You could see life-changing benefits by seeking therapy resources like DBT and CBT. Web searching these can lead you to free video resources that you could listen to while doing whatever else you do with your day.

My existence is basically the reason my parents separated when I was 4 (my mom baby-trapped my dad out of insecurity). It’s not my fault, they’re just shitty parents and weren’t good together.

Feeling guilty doesn’t change anything and it just makes you annoying for anyone to be around. Constantly apologizing isn’t a personality, it’s a chore to do and to listen to. You have the right to have emotions and opinions and say no to things.

If this still haunts you as an adult, your parents probably offloaded the emotional burden of their divorce onto you. Consider whether any other six-year-old on the planet would deserve this kind of punishment, because that’s what you’re doing to yourself.

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Look into mindfulness and the concept of loving kindness, practice it on others at first. Then turn it inwards.

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You can’t hold 6 year old kids accountable for stupid stuff they do. I totally understand your feelings, but the best thing you can do is just do your best to be a nice person, instead of self-flagellation. So take care of others, but also of yourself. Only give when you have something to give, but also only take what you really need. The hurt and shame might stay, but try to nourish it. Us it as inspiration for being a good person from now on. Feed it with more self-punishment and it will only get heavier, like a stone arouns your neck that’s growing and pulling you under. Nobody will be happier when you drown, so don’t. Just do your best, that’s all you can do ❤️

oh man. the number of things I remember like I just did them. things I’ve even been foriven for by the affected person. I’d tell you to try not to worry about it but I can’t even do that myself.

If nothing else I think its normal enough. Try not to do things while exhausted though, that can be dangerous. Safety first, and second.

Is it normal I still feel bad even though I’m trying to do good and redeem myself?

Yes it is. People hold on to regrets for a whole host of reasons. Some more understandable than others.

But being good is not a value. It doesn’t stay up or down and it doesn’t get “remedied” in the traditional way. The amount of caring for others you do is awesome.

And yet, not saying no is an extremely unhealthy habit. Everyone has boundaries, and other people don’t realize how things drain your energy if you don’t say no. If you’re not looking out for yourself, who is?

The things in your list, almost all of them are nice in theory, but in practice they can run you into the ground.

• battling your instincts and personality
• feeling very guilty about every little mistake
• doing odd jobs no matter the person or task or how much energy you have
• not saying no

Look at this list. This looks almost self-destructive. It’s a testament to you that you are able to survive considering all these habits, but this is way past noble.

Please say no if you feel you need to, never agree if you you really don’t want to, only do odd jobs if they are appropriate, extend some grace for all of your mistakes and never suppress your personality. These are selfish things, but you are the only one who can be selfish for you, so look out for yourself.

Dragging guilt around is pointless

I don’t say no, I say yes and put my discomfort for anything aside, other people’s wants are more important than my feeling

I don’t know why no one is mentioning this, but your feelings are valid and important. Assuming you extend this to people you’ve just met, eventually someone will either take advantage of this or think you like them because you don’t say no, even when uncomfortable.

Don’t do that to yourself. Whatever you did (as a kid), you don’t deserve that.

I’m sorry about your mom’s illness.

What I’m reading here in this thread is that you haven’t found the right therapist yet. And us jokers on the internet cannot fill that void for you.

We all have to live with bad memories. Regardless of quality if we were to enter a pissing contest to see whose suffering is greatest. You’re not living with yours, they keep you as a pet. I would go so far as saying being an obsessive goodie has not worked for you either. So look for a different therapist. At the very least another channel for you pent up regret. You can of course still be nice to the people around you. But you gotta give yourself a break from trying to outshine your average saint.

I called the fire brigade when I was about 4 years old. I thought it was a toy phone so I dialed 999 (I’m in the UK) and said there was a fire in a guest I could see from my window. I was mortified when the fire brigade arrived at the house asking if anyone had called as they’d been looking fit a guest fire in the area.

I think I evened it all out when I found smoke in our living room at age 6 and alerted my parents. I thought they were cooking sausages but a log had rolled out onto the carpet and the fire officer said I probably saved the house.

I felt guilty about the first case for decades. B but you have to forgive yourself. Also, out doesn’t matter what you did. Your parents divorce is not your responsibility. Whether what you did triggered it or not, their relationship clearly wasn’t strong if it broke so easily and it probably works have before for other reasons anyway.