I’ve tried and I’m still trying. As someone who is a bit shorter than average and is socially awkward, it’s tough. Recently I’ve been able to get dates with 3 girls from dating apps (due to me being better at flirting and getting a few more matches than before), but they all went nowhere.
1 girl didn’t seem to want any touching or flirty things on the first date and the conversation wasn’t smooth, so I friendzoned her.
The other 2 girls immediately started with a flirty text conversation.
I hit it off with first one over text, we were having long phone calls and sending raunchy stuff over text. I had one short date with and was planning a spicier 2nd date with but she cancelled because I asked her to be my Valentine on Valentine’s Day.
The 2nd one wanted to take things slower, and friendzoned me after 2 longer dates. She also wasn’t that into touching.
I never kissed any of these girls. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, especially with the first flirty girl.
but she cancelled because I asked her to be my Valentine on Valentine’s Day.
You can’t just say that and not provide the rest of the story. Do you have the transcript still? Because either you’re lying or this is the wildest thing ever. Either way I think we’d want to see.
I matched with her on Tinder and waited a few hours and she messaged me first, and not something generic but something about my profile. We started chatting over text and I suggested a short first “piano practice” date in a few days (we both play piano).
The next day we had a 2+ hour call where we played video games (Fortnite, don’t judge, I don’t play that unless I play with someone else) together and just chatted. Everything was going great.
The following days she was sending me super flirty texts (“my skirt will distract you”, and suggestive stuff about touching each other all over). I’ve never gotten texts like this in my life so I was slightly reserved but still flirty.
The date went well, we both got along with each other and we sat real close to each other. I even gave her a flower, and she told me that made her feel so special. There was one point where our faces were close to each other and she might have wanted a kiss, but I chickened our and just hugged her.
We planned a 2nd date as a movie date at my place. All the while we were feverently texting each other lots of things, from platonic to romantic to sexually suggestive. We even had a call meant to be a half hour but it lasted 1.5 hours. It reached a boiling point where we agreed on an “inter-date” study session the day before Valentine’s Day.
It was just about half an hour and we were both trying to get work done in a very public place so I wasn’t touchy at all. She also brought up more somber topics like politics (we have the same political views for the most part). At the end, because Valentine’s Day was near, I asked her to be my Valentine (as per the suggestion of a female friend) and got an unenthusiastic “sure.”
10 minutes later she texted that “we’d be better off as friends than a couple” because there was “no romantic physical chemistry” and cancelled the 2nd date.
I really wanted to explain that I had little experience and that the 2nd date was where the “action” would truly begin. By this point I had developed a huge crush on her and my heart was broken. She really was just my type: nerdy, ambitious, and beautiful. Heck, I’m crying as I write this right now.
Which is why if I had one moment to change my decision on, it would 100% be this. I f*cked up big-time, and it cost me my heart and lots of hot make out sessions for a stupid lesson.
Dude, you couldn’t have known. I know it’s hard, but you shouldn’t dwell on it
You did everything right, it just wasn’t the right time or the right person. You’re not to blame at all - if it was an issue on her side, she should have talked about it instead of coldly friendzoning you
Just to be clear, I asked my wife what she thought, and she thinks the same thing
Stop overthinking it. Unless there really is some additional context you’re not sharing (not accusing you of that, but I try to be skeptical with tales like these, AITA posts broke me lol) then I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. Some people just have landmines. Sometimes they know about them, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes they realize it was stepped on, sometimes they don’t.
Even if it wasn’t that and she only wanted a passionate fling and you wanted something lasting, this would’ve happened eventually. It’s hard, but try to remember the fun for what it was and don’t overthink this. Self reflection is important, no doubt, but this doesn’t seem like the time.
Not doing anything wrong homie in fact youre doing it perfect. Just keep trying like you said, cuz it’s nothing personal, you either vibe or you don’t. Keep being natural so when you do click with someone they’re connecting with the real you
For the average man making unsolicited approaches, the latest stats I have seen tend to bounce between the 1-in-300 and the 1-in-1,500 range of a successful approach per total attempts. And this is just first-date-is-successful territory, it gets a good magnitude worse if you are looking for an LTR.
From what I understand, the flip side is a lot lower: an average women making unsolicited approaches to men seem to be hitting a 1-in-5 to 1-in-20 success range, depending on conditions
So yeah, being a man outside of the desirable 10% is indeed playing on hard mode. And from what I can see, things have only gotten much, much worse for the average man in the last few decades since I was young. I don’t envy young men these days, at all.
I don’t know what I’m doing wrong
You are suffering from a lack of experience.
Women have the ability to learn by proxy, when having intimate conversations with sisters, mothers, aunts, and other female role models. This gives them a massive buff long before they ever begin dating, because they are able to gain an emotional roadmap of how things go down, and then build on that with experience.
Men don’t have this same transfer of knowledge, nor are we even psychologically set up to build one, so in aggregate we are massively nerfed straight out of the gate. This means our only way of learning is via direct experience and sheer volume: you need to circulate and learn from your experiences in order to percolate. It sucks, but that’s the breaks. The rare guy will get lucky straight out of the gate. The vast majority, however, will have to approach and be rejected by many hundreds to even thousands of women before they “find their groove” enough to catch a break.
And your own insecurities are working against you: being nervous, desperate, or unsure of yourself is something that women - again, through that buff of intergenerational information transfer - are able to “smell” almost instinctively. If you want to vanquish those issues, you quite literally need to work on yourself, to focus on improving yourself and gaining confidence within yourself by overcoming obstacles and challenges that you set for yourself.
Stoicism can assist in helping you become a better version of yourself, in becoming intrinsically motivated such that companionship shifts away from being a clawing need to merely a value-added proposition.
For the average man making unsolicited approaches, the latest stats I have seen tend to bounce between the 1-in-300 and the 1-in-1,500 range of a successful approach per total attempts. And this is just first-date-is-successful territory, it gets a good magnitude worse if you are looking for an LTR.
From what I understand, the flip side is a lot lower: an average women making unsolicited approaches to men seem to be hitting a 1-in-5 to 1-in-20 success range, depending on conditions
I’ve tried and I’m still trying. As someone who is a bit shorter than average and is socially awkward, it’s tough. Recently I’ve been able to get dates with 3 girls from dating apps (due to me being better at flirting and getting a few more matches than before), but they all went nowhere.
1 girl didn’t seem to want any touching or flirty things on the first date and the conversation wasn’t smooth, so I friendzoned her.
The other 2 girls immediately started with a flirty text conversation.
I hit it off with first one over text, we were having long phone calls and sending raunchy stuff over text. I had one short date with and was planning a spicier 2nd date with but she cancelled because I asked her to be my Valentine on Valentine’s Day.
The 2nd one wanted to take things slower, and friendzoned me after 2 longer dates. She also wasn’t that into touching.
I never kissed any of these girls. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, especially with the first flirty girl.
You can fix the socially awkward part. And women aren’t as obsessed with height as Lemmy and the interwebs make them out to be.
You can’t just say that and not provide the rest of the story. Do you have the transcript still? Because either you’re lying or this is the wildest thing ever. Either way I think we’d want to see.
Sure, I’ll give more details.
I matched with her on Tinder and waited a few hours and she messaged me first, and not something generic but something about my profile. We started chatting over text and I suggested a short first “piano practice” date in a few days (we both play piano).
The next day we had a 2+ hour call where we played video games (Fortnite, don’t judge, I don’t play that unless I play with someone else) together and just chatted. Everything was going great.
The following days she was sending me super flirty texts (“my skirt will distract you”, and suggestive stuff about touching each other all over). I’ve never gotten texts like this in my life so I was slightly reserved but still flirty.
The date went well, we both got along with each other and we sat real close to each other. I even gave her a flower, and she told me that made her feel so special. There was one point where our faces were close to each other and she might have wanted a kiss, but I chickened our and just hugged her.
We planned a 2nd date as a movie date at my place. All the while we were feverently texting each other lots of things, from platonic to romantic to sexually suggestive. We even had a call meant to be a half hour but it lasted 1.5 hours. It reached a boiling point where we agreed on an “inter-date” study session the day before Valentine’s Day.
It was just about half an hour and we were both trying to get work done in a very public place so I wasn’t touchy at all. She also brought up more somber topics like politics (we have the same political views for the most part). At the end, because Valentine’s Day was near, I asked her to be my Valentine (as per the suggestion of a female friend) and got an unenthusiastic “sure.”
10 minutes later she texted that “we’d be better off as friends than a couple” because there was “no romantic physical chemistry” and cancelled the 2nd date.
I really wanted to explain that I had little experience and that the 2nd date was where the “action” would truly begin. By this point I had developed a huge crush on her and my heart was broken. She really was just my type: nerdy, ambitious, and beautiful. Heck, I’m crying as I write this right now.
My best guess is that she wanted things to be slow emotionally and has baggage associated with Valentine’s day.
Which is why if I had one moment to change my decision on, it would 100% be this. I f*cked up big-time, and it cost me my heart and lots of hot make out sessions for a stupid lesson.
Dude, you couldn’t have known. I know it’s hard, but you shouldn’t dwell on it
You did everything right, it just wasn’t the right time or the right person. You’re not to blame at all - if it was an issue on her side, she should have talked about it instead of coldly friendzoning you
Just to be clear, I asked my wife what she thought, and she thinks the same thing
Thank you so much for your advice! With how little experience I have, it is really tough to not trigger a mine in the dating minefield.
Stop overthinking it. Unless there really is some additional context you’re not sharing (not accusing you of that, but I try to be skeptical with tales like these, AITA posts broke me lol) then I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. Some people just have landmines. Sometimes they know about them, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes they realize it was stepped on, sometimes they don’t.
Even if it wasn’t that and she only wanted a passionate fling and you wanted something lasting, this would’ve happened eventually. It’s hard, but try to remember the fun for what it was and don’t overthink this. Self reflection is important, no doubt, but this doesn’t seem like the time.
Not doing anything wrong homie in fact youre doing it perfect. Just keep trying like you said, cuz it’s nothing personal, you either vibe or you don’t. Keep being natural so when you do click with someone they’re connecting with the real you
it’s a dating app. Nobody wants anything from them.
For the average man making unsolicited approaches, the latest stats I have seen tend to bounce between the 1-in-300 and the 1-in-1,500 range of a successful approach per total attempts. And this is just first-date-is-successful territory, it gets a good magnitude worse if you are looking for an LTR.
From what I understand, the flip side is a lot lower: an average women making unsolicited approaches to men seem to be hitting a 1-in-5 to 1-in-20 success range, depending on conditions
So yeah, being a man outside of the desirable 10% is indeed playing on hard mode. And from what I can see, things have only gotten much, much worse for the average man in the last few decades since I was young. I don’t envy young men these days, at all.
You are suffering from a lack of experience.
Women have the ability to learn by proxy, when having intimate conversations with sisters, mothers, aunts, and other female role models. This gives them a massive buff long before they ever begin dating, because they are able to gain an emotional roadmap of how things go down, and then build on that with experience.
Men don’t have this same transfer of knowledge, nor are we even psychologically set up to build one, so in aggregate we are massively nerfed straight out of the gate. This means our only way of learning is via direct experience and sheer volume: you need to circulate and learn from your experiences in order to percolate. It sucks, but that’s the breaks. The rare guy will get lucky straight out of the gate. The vast majority, however, will have to approach and be rejected by many hundreds to even thousands of women before they “find their groove” enough to catch a break.
And your own insecurities are working against you: being nervous, desperate, or unsure of yourself is something that women - again, through that buff of intergenerational information transfer - are able to “smell” almost instinctively. If you want to vanquish those issues, you quite literally need to work on yourself, to focus on improving yourself and gaining confidence within yourself by overcoming obstacles and challenges that you set for yourself.
Stoicism can assist in helping you become a better version of yourself, in becoming intrinsically motivated such that companionship shifts away from being a clawing need to merely a value-added proposition.
Where can I read more about this?